Through Fat-Colored Glasses. September 28, 2010

Wow, Hi! So Yea, It has been a MAJORLY long time since I’ve blogged. I have actually had  like 4-6 different journals on my computer since then but keeping true to my personality, I do a shit ass job of keeping up on them. So much to do allll the time. So much to say. And sadly just like all procrastinators, it just keeps getting longer and harder to keep up with the project (blog). And then you are overwhelmed. Then you don’t want to try to take on such a daunting task. So you let it go. One day however, you wake up renewed and ready to tackle whatever project you had previously forgotten and you realize it’s OK to start over. Fresh is good. New is good. You don’t HAVE to keep up and catch up. Just start where you are. So that’s what I am going to do here. Just start here. Today. Now. Instead of back then, long ago, when I abandoned that blog. Or Rather that mindset my brain was in then. I go back and read it and am I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Ill shall explain.

Many times I have sat and re read my blog site. Just to get into the fat writing mood. Lots of times it works and then something always comes up and I can’t finish, other times, its just plain damn depressing. I Am depressing. I depress myself. I have read and read over what I wrote and what my goals were back when. I watched myself grow in my own “out of body” type way. Reading my blog as a stranger would. Someone who stumbled across it.  All you would really get about me is that I’m fat, and I’m not happy about being so. I have a husband and a daughter. I am a self employed dog groomer and I take care of my sick mother. Basic stuff huh? I mean, who would wanna read that girls blog? NO TELLING. Anywho, that question is really irrelevant since obviously someone is reading this madness.

Quick update: Since the last blog post, over a year ago. I have (Still) Quit Smoking! Picked up my business in the dog grooming world! Quit being such a bitch to my husband/family/self. I say such with a very LITERAL biased. I’m still a bitch to those three.. not SUCH of one though. Hehe. I have quit being so devoted to hating myself. Those are my quits. I have some starts as well though to.

I have to be honest. I did start a diet. I did start the exercise program thing ( MY OWN). I have lost over 35lbs. I am extremely pleased with myself on good days. The biggest struggle I have, isn’t the watching my food intake or exercising. It is the NOT feeling the guilt because I went ahead and had a Pepsi. That’s my biggest. WORST. Trial. Is the guilt trip I lay on myself for having that Pepsi or Twix or whatever else I deem worthy to put in my mouth. That’s plain retarded. As my husband said.” Just DON’T feel guilty”. WTF?! That’s a possibility? To just NOT?  Naw, that’s just not gonna happen. I’m 33, I’ve spent 95% of my life being told it was wrong to eat the chicken skin, to eat more than one helping, to have my NON diet pop. It’s wrong to even WANT to eat a piece of cake. How do you re-train your brain? I don’t know the answer. I’m asking you, the reader, how do you re-train your brain to not have guilt of eating? If you know, tell me now.

There was a spectacular quote the other day I read by The Rotund, She was discussing emails she receives from readers that feel like they need to apologize for jumping into the diet/surgery river. Her view to answer this is

“The culture we live in hates fat so much that the only options it provides to fat people are shit options: starvation through dieting or surgery that takes a functional digestive system and short circuits it.”

Why is this? Is this not sad to anyone else? That’s what the world has came down to. Sooo, hatred is more acceptable then love? Why love your body? There’s no reason to. Hate it. HATE IT! Every second, no wait, every NANO second. Be sure to hate your body or something you do to your body. Sad, sad, sad.

My view is:

Why are people apologizing for it. Why the GUILT? My Diet is MY diet. Not yours. Its my body. Its my fat. It is MY life. I REFUSE to feel guilty because I want to drink that yummy Pepsi. I am now going to REFUSE to feel guilty because I go ahead and eat the dessert at the buffet. Fuck anyone who thinks they have a right to judge me and MY diet. My diet is= watching my calories, cutting down calories. Not Cutting OUT calories. What the hell kind of life is worth having if you cannot even have your own birthday cake without guilt tripping? I know the answer to that question.. a Pathetic pitiful life. And I will NOT live like that. My biggest wish is that the world would adopt this view, but they wont. Ever. Its too easy to hate fatties. Lemme also make clear, I do NOT judge those that feel like they have to spend 4 hours a day every day in the gym, so they can make their life livable. Whatever floats your boat guys. Just do not expect me to jump onto that gravy train. No thank you!

Every day is easier than the day before. Even if the struggle to kick guilt to the curb is hard, my overall outlook in life is better. My marriage is stronger. My daughter is more spectacular, my body feels better.I go out with my daughter now. I chill with my husband in the evenings.  Im still fat, in fact even having lost the weight I have, I still weigh more than I did when I started the blog. But the difference is, I see life outside of fat. My outside life is happier too. Fat is still included in my every single thought process, but I can now take that fat thought and set it to the side and focus on what I need to. Live life to the fattiest way possible. Its an ongoing process.

Table or booth? Uh… Table please. December 9, 2009

So sadly I haven’t posted in ages. Why? Well, to be quite honest I’ve been too scared to. I’ve wrote three different posts since the last published, but I have not published them. Like I said. Scared. NO, its not what you think, Im not scared of those meanie fat hating trolls that chill about in the dark crevices of the body *no not my body, this storys body. Get it? The body of a story? Shesh) just waiting to pounce with those famous fat hating words “Less Eating More Exercising !” Im Not scared of the fattys who occasionally browse by my blog that would leave comments either. Although, Im can say with absolutely certainty, that my main audience for this blog is my hubby, Im not scared of his reaction to it either. Nope. None of the above. Honestly, Im scared simply because I knew I was fat, I just didn’t realize I was THAT fat. Do you understand? Every day I wake up and being fat is just part of it. Its no longer filled with those OMG IM FAT moments. Fat is just a part of my day, Like the sky is Blue, The night is black, I am fat. Like that type of stuff. You know that whole death and taxes thing? Welp, Im just fat. Anyhow, back on track, reason why I didnt want to post this. It would put out there in plain sight for my eyes and those teeny few that read it that Im just that fat. But I really cannot hide from it anymore, and Ive learned to deal with it . Not that I like it, but still. DEALING!

A while back Hubby, Daughter and I made our way into a fast food chain we haven’t tried as a family before. Growing tired of the other choices and not having the time to cook at home we wanted to stop by and grab something quick and be on our way. Entering the establishment however, thwarted our plans. They had yet to upgrade to tables.. Meaning, they were still all booths.. No chairs to drag to a table nothing. NOTHING available for those that are fatter than the booth space provided. Witch, In my defense, is prolly Exactly why they never have customers since most of the population is bigger than that space. Hell, my husband was damn near bigger than that space. But yes, My daughter and Hubby both could sit there and eat comfortably but I would be forced to stand. This of course was not an option so we turned around and walked my fat ass outta there. But the pain and rejection lingered. The overwhelming dread that from now on, I’m a table only gal. My family is now FORCED to eat at tables instead of booths. Now my daughter cant be that little girl that plays all up and down booths..  It used to be.. Table or booth.. Smoking or non.. Now its NON smoking Table ONLY k thx. Sigh. Yes I’m now THAT fat. Too fat for booths. Like I said before, I don’t care what the trolls think about this, I also don’t care what the other fattys think, its all something we all have to go through sometime in our lives about something or another. It is just another realization, an epiphany if you will, about something significant in my life. I just couldn’t deal. Now. Im Dealing. My Daughter doesn’t need a booth! LOL She doesn’t even play on booths. Shes an Angel. And I don’t mean pretend angel, I mean Boniface ANGEL! Anyway. Yea so she doesn’t need that stinking booth. My Husband, could care less where we sit so long as its not next to some screaming kid. So why do I have issues. Because now its just ONE more thing. One more strike against me being fat. One more laughing in your face, your too fat to eat here thing.. So why do I have issues? Who knows. I just do. er did. DID! Im now ready to tackle the world of tables and if certain restaurants do not want tables, well that’s their loss. So there! humph.

So I had a really bad run in with the “LB” the hugely popular place to shop if you are teh fat! Lane Bryant. Yes, them. My last pair of jeans that I have had over a year decided that they needed to move onto that special “jean heaven”  they go and I had to purchase a new pair. Now, Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal past the OMG I don’t like to shop anxiety thing. However, that in mind, my husband gave me permission to just purchase the pants I wanted offline. This I do, or try to, but it doesn’t work. Apparently my address isn’t a shippable one. After two weeks worth of drama and canceled order and waiting for money to return to account then to my own hand. We have to go ahead and brave the  shopping to get me said pants. So, three different LB later I find my pants WHOOHOO> But only one pair was there. SO they said the could order and have them shipped SO I do that. Well guess what.. The NEW address I gave them wasn’t shippable either. HOWEVER, I didn’t find this out till I waited for OVER 2 weeks for new pants to come in. THEN since I applied for  LB card to get that 20% off and I won the card, the purchase was put on that. SO the money went back on that instead of into my hand. Sigh. SO after I argue with at min 3 people about who to get my money back from I finally wait another week till I get a check. This way I can go back to any store and find another pair. After all this I decide to wait till my pants come back into stock and order them again this time putting my husbands work address as the shipping so I know it will work. Anyway, I have the Jeans for about a month and a half and the seam splits straight up the back. No, it didn’t WEAR out it SPLIT. It was a shoddy pair of pants. So now I’m without pants again. Off we go to LB to exchange.. I still have my receipt. This of course is also an adventure. After being called a liar and a cheat and the security called on us we left with our blown pants and nothing else. The clerk said I was lying and trying to get a free pair of jeans, that those jeans were wore WAY longer than the 60 days. I was almost in tears as was my daughter and my husband was basically a step off the scale of full blown rage. We left LB and went in search of a different place to buy new jeans. Now, As most of you fattys know, We are pretty damn limited on what jeans are offered out there and where they are offered. IF your fat but not TOO fat you can shop at JC Penneys, but women are not allowed to be as fat as the men there. Dillard’s is out the window for anyone over a size 22 pretty much. So yea, LB was the ONLY place at the time I could get anything. Off we go to another LB. We looked and I tried on several clothes and didnt find anything exactly the size I needed. So we were down to ONE more LB in the city. Did I tell you all already I had NO other pair of jeans? I was wearing a pair of slacks. The last LB turned out to be the one. The one that had my size of jean. I’m all excited. Hubby and I go to register and buy them. Hubby asked if there was anyway we can be absolutely positive that if these jeans mess up we can return them and prove that they are the jeans on the receipt. The clerk asked us to elaborate so we do, OH BTW did I explain that the first mean clerk suggested we leave the tags on the jeans ? yea that would last through the wash. Where was I, Ok so Hubby explains and she asked for us to go get the jeans and receipt and we do and she instantly goes, There is NO way these jeans are worn through, No where are there normal wear marks where they should be.. ie crotch, bottom of legs, such and so forth and she would be HAPPY to return them AND exchange.. OMG YEA! So we do, we decide to get two pairs of jeans, and yea.. they don’t have the second pair. and non are in stock on the internet so well just have to wait BUT I still got one pair at least. So that was a whole 2month process wrapped into a huge wall of text and I’m surprised if you actually stayed to read this part lol. BUT I had to let the few readers, g lancers, accidentals landers know my beef about LB.

So Thanksgiving came and went. The day where EVERYONE should feel absolutely free to eat anything and everything they want in a guilt free setting. Sadly, Its the ONLY day most feel like they can eat whatever and however much they want. Its the ONLY EFFIN DAY outta the whole 365 days to do so. How piss poor sad is that? Who the fuck sat down and decided to be judgmental and declare this is the only day we should be allowed.. and STILL women and men everywhere punished them selves for what they did eat that day. Thanksgiving is no longer treated like holiday it used to be.. Where the whole family gets together to eat and be thankful of everyone and everything. Its now a calorie count dont eat the dessert if you eat that second helping of stuffing day. Sad Sad Sad. Last thanksgiving was horrible.. some random aunt made the gravy and decided it should be fat free or some crap and made it with egg whites.. soo disgusting. Who the hell puts egg whites on turkey???!!! No THANK you. Ill have my thanksgiving with my greasy gravy and canned cranberries every damn given day. AND Ill eat it ALLLL without a bit of guilt. THATS what Thanksgiving food is about.

So cold season is upon us. No, I dont mean that its cold outside, even though it is cold.. I mean that now we all have stuffed up noses that when blowed right sound like small artillery planes going off in our heads and the snore count is upped to 100/100. So yea, Im all stuffed up and sneezing and snuffing so Im gonna call this blog quits. As always Ill try to get back and do more blogging before this year is out but I make NO promises. AS ALWAYS. Have fun and be fat!

It’s raining, It’s Pouring.. And no one is snoring >< August 18, 2009

Freaking rain. Rained all night. Got so wet the electric was like.. screw this.. imma go for a vacation.. and off it went.. Literally for at least 5 hours.. Let me tell you, that makes for a VERY long night with a 6 year old. Thankfully (not really) my husband set his alarm on his phone.. Just in case he said.. Grr. So up went in the dark searching for those clothes I didn’t set out and looking for toothpaste in the dark. About halfway thro the morning the electric came back and all was well in the world of the Wood Family, Cept of course us yawning and rubbing our eyes still.. and DRAGGIN ASSS.. that last is me. In fact I’m soooo tired I just wanna curl back up in under the covers. If I keep talking about it I bet I will. So Ill shut up now about the rain with the final words.. Freaking rain.

A couple of things been bouncing in my head screaming at me for the past .. oooo I don’t know.. Since I wrote last. Of course being the lazy fatty that I am I didn’t wanna *gasp* sit, and write. lol. Sometimes writing comes mega easy for me, and if I had one of those wee laptops Id prolly be writing all the time. BUT sitting in front of my computer after Im done folding clothes or whatever else Im doing just makes writing feel a bit more like a chore. Its ok though I eventually get the topics/thoughts down on screen. If I don’t remember by the time I do sit down to write then the topics weren’t really all that bigga deal and prolly shouldn’t be wrote about in the first place. I donno.

So first off. A little back ground. I have to bitch about this topic btw bc my husband would find it a bit weird seeing as how it bothered me and its not written down on my fat bitch. Anyway, My mother has been sick for the past ehhh maybe 6-10 years. Its been a while. Recently she was referred to a cancer specialist. BUT in order to see this specialist. She had to of course get a full body scan.. PET SCAN. Now, after being told, you should see a cancer specialist because that spot on your colon is growing to fast to be anything but cancer.. She gets a lovely phone call from a lady that speaks very bad engrish. Here’s literally how it went

Her:”Hello. Is this Jan?”

Mom:”Yes”

Her: ” Jan? How much you weigh?”

Mom: “Excuse me, who is this?

Her: “Jan, How much you weigh?”

Mom: “Im sorry who IS this?”

Her: ” This is *stupid bitch* from *dumbass lab*”

Mom:  “O ok. Well isnt it down on the charts that were sent to you?”

Her: ” Yes but You no lie?”

Mom: ” Huh? lie? No i didnt lie, It was also writen by the nurse that took my weight. Im assuming she didnt lie?”

Her: “Ok well if you no lie, then you to fat for machine.”

Mom: ” Scuse me?”

Her: ” You too fat for machine. Sorry”

Mom: ” What machine and what do you mean to fat?”

Her: ” The PET machine, and you are to fat you will get stuck.”

Mom … Hang up.

Yea so srsly guys,, that’s the convo. After that initial bullshit. Dad called the specialist back and explained how much shit just went down and the doc said ok I will look for another lab/hospital for her to have the scan down. So all is well right? Wrong.. The insurance now refuses to pay for the scan.. since they switched places.. O fucking Joy.

This whole convo was in fact VERY true. And Very sad to me. How fucking insensitive can you be? Even if you do not speak English as your first language, I’m SURE polite is in EVERY dialect. I donno. You just don’t tell someone that JUST found out they may have cancer that they to fat too. Cry.. So now we are fight the insurance company. I wrote them a letter I doubt it will do anything, but I still wrote it. This idiocy needs to stop. Since when is it ok to treat a human being that way.. Regardless of weight. When did this country become desensitized to fat hate, and poor fat treatment? Why is it social acceptable to be gay, slutty,  pierced or tatted. But not fat? It makes no sense to me and deep down it makes me very sad for this planet we live on. It really must just be in human nature to HAVE to have something to hate right? We cant love if we dont have anything to hate and make them feel wrong. I remember back in the day, the first pierced people I ever saw was on Jerry Springer.. Looking back, I thought they were FREAKS>! but exciting.. and I still didn’t hate them. The guy that has all the tats on tv! I loved it. Most hated but still, it was back in the time where  “If you cant say something nice don’t say anything at all&quot; was the community motto. What’s the motto now? “A hateful glib today, keeps the fattys away?”  COME ON PEOPLE! Life’s to fucking short to hate someone for being fat. And when it comes down to it. You hate them because they are fat. Say that a couple of times and tell me that doesn’t sound dumb as shit. I hate you because you are fat. WTF? Srsly? That’s ok in this world? It honestly doesn’t matter if YOU are fat or thin or black or purple or gay or religious or whatever. ITS NOT OK TO HATE! Lets try something, Lets see if you can go a whole day without using the word hate toward another human being,  AND telling ONE person something nice. *gasp* What you mean Danna, a Compliment.. Yes a compliment.. Fattys this goes for us to. TOO many times I see tinys getting hated/bashed too. They are still people. We treat them at a different level bc they are thin. BUT they are still people. And the old saying “Treat someone as you wish to be treated.”   Should still apply today.  How the hell can we expect the world to follow suit if us fattys cant straighten our attitudes up first. Think about it.

A while back   this post was going around the Fat-O-Sphere. Basically its a billboard for PETA. HAHAH the animal rights activists. Anyway, this sent me on a rant and the first person to get to hear it or at least part of it was a friend of mine. Well call him, eh, George. Now, George and I have great convos over msn about religion, politics and just general stuff like his cats or my daughter.. I dont normally include my fat life to him bc well tbh that’s just to personal for him and me. We don’t go that personal. Anyway. He happened to msn me right after I seen that billboard. So, I linked to him. I didn’t go off about  it. I said what I told everyone else. Wow PETA fucked up with that. And he goes how come. And I explained.. Well if 90% of the U.S. is obese, you cannot tell me that didn’t just piss of A WHOLE LOTTA People. He goes. Eh I guess it would piss some off.  Ummmm  Hello? Fatty on other side of screen.  YEA I guess SOME would be pissed off.   O.o   Anyway. I said something shitty about the “NEW fat think tank group”  Obama has going to fix the world of fat people and said a snide comment about the health care reform and shit and was fixing to explain about my moms insurance issues. And hes like OO my dont get me started on Health care. I do NOT appreciate having to pay for obese people to get diabetic treatment or a ring around their stomach just to tell them to quit eating. Im like WTF George! Since when did you become an ass hole. He goes O don’t take it personal Danna, I hate paying for cancer treatment for smokers too.  *FACEPALM* (yes really hard) What did Danna do? I got up and walked away from my computer. It was either that or kill it. AND seeing as how we cant afford a new one I just walked out my door and went outside. Even typing this conov, it still leaves me stunned. I mean, its HIS attitude that gets me going, and HIS attitude that is all over the place. Everyone feels that way.. They are soooo misinformed about the real issues. After I calmed down I came back in and saw he had written more about how he doesn’t buy into the fact that fat is genetic and yada. I srsly couldn’t believe this was the same guy Ive known for over 3 years. He truly believes that way. Its sad and hurtful all rolled into one. When I got the ability to type back (unclenched my hands) I wrote, Do NOT accept the outer reality, instead do FUCKING research and find out for your self so you don’t have to “buy into”  anything. Maybe if you did some of your own you’d realize that you are WRONG on so many levels that I cannot even begin to list them. I mean, this guy is no joke. Hes never since Ive known him been misinformed or had an opinion about anything that he didn’t thoroughly look into first before passing judgment. So this was all new. After that however I just told him the fat convo is taboo with him and me. So he goes ok.

So Ive been doing alot alot alot of soul searching again. Trying to find my place. I need to learn to meditate so I don’t get so angry, or feel so freaking useless as time goes by. Hubby and I have been discussing different ave. for me to take. Looked into Vo tech.. that’s  a no go because I live outta district for the tuition. I looked at Jewelry making, Witch if I say so myself after my first necklace isn’t too bad at all, its just to much for me to pay for right at this moment. I donno. And I LOVE to write. I LOVE to read. Id LOVE to write a novel. I don’t know the first thing about it though. Im not all that great at grammar, spelling and what not. Oh, and topics.. Im great at topics..  Just not so great at sticking to them. Its still in the air. Im 31 and I dont know what I wanna be when I grow up yet. HeHe.  Its exasperating and makes me feel like a failure. I want to contribute to my family. I want to be an inspiration to my daughter in some way. I dont want the only thing she “gets from her mom” is her sarcasm and wit. Grr Makes me feel melancholy writing about it so I will stop now. In fact its about time I checked on something to munch on.. hungry is/are sneaking up..

As Always, Thanks for tuning into the fat rant channel.

So much to say… so little time.. July 28, 2009

Well not really. Its not like I’m on a time limit or anything, but so little time works with so much to say. Hehe. I have alot to say today and Im guessing about halfway through this post I will have derailed the original idea for this post and be rambling about something off the wall and forget why I originally wanted to post today. So, in preparation of that, I will outline a few points Id like to make today.

1. White Water- will explain further below

2. Clothes shopping-also below

3. Reality Tv.

4. Craftiness

Yea. Ok that works. I know I had more ideas then that, but somehow I lost them. So, White Water is a huge water park. Typically with half nakkie people running around or um swimming in this case. LOTS of people.. LOTS of Skinny minis. My beautiful Tinkerbell daughter just turned 6 and besides a kitten her wish was to go to White Water with mom and dad. Seeing as how I’m mom.. I well you get the picture. I went. I pulled on my sis’s bathing suit, I do not own one of my own, and packed the child, cooler, sunblock, and hubby (not necessarily in that order)  into vehicle and took off. On a Sunday.. Meaning Weekend.. Meaning more people.. ><  We got there and its packed.. People everywhere.. Skin everywhere and Skinnies everywhere. Now, I do NOT have anything against skinnies.. They are more likely to laugh at fatties HOWEVER I do NOT judge them. Its society, they cannot help it, just like I cannot help it if I face slap a few that piss me off. None did of course. They were all very well behaved. In fact. I only noticed 2 wee girls that probably just hit puberty and didn’t really have a reason to be wearing a two piece in the first place, point and giggle at me. I was soo nervous at first. I mean.. The lake is one thing.. Major public water park is totally different level of playing field. However, I did awesome.. if I do say so myself. I feel like I did GRRRRRREAT! (que Tony the Tiger Voice overlay)! I worked very hard at not putting on my glare (witch trust me is Extremely hard to do) and I worked very hard ignoring the rest of the population. My original plan was to find a shady chair and read while hubby and daughter ran around like banshees. Sadly, there were so many damn people there that all the chairs/seats had been taken by bodies or lack there of.. like  a pair of flip flops gaurding one chair amused me.. heh. Like this fat ass is not match for flip flops right?  That annoyed the shit outta me btw. The people that thought OOOO saving seat! like were all back in fucking 4th grade where it actually MATTERED if your pencil was at that chair or not.. hmph. Most of the day the chairs were empty wearing only the occasional towel, lotion or inter-tube. In all reality I could’ve easily been a bitch and moved the flip flops.. I mean its not like there going ot hurt me .. flop flop.. But I didn’t. I in turn followed my banshees around and watched them tackle the different slides and rides. It was neat watching my 6 year old be all excited till she got half way up to the top of the rides, then get scared, then want to come down, but hubby refused then she loved every second of whatever ride she feared. In a way, her fear was not unlike mine. Cept for the stomping feet and bawling part. For a whole week I had been fearing this park.. losing interest, coming up with excuses, trying my damnedest to talk my daughter outta the water park. But once I got to the park. I had a fantastic time.  Just like my daughter once I went thro the motion, it came easily. I did awesome and I wouldn’t change going for a thing. I even went on a ride! Gasp! yes the big huge slide that since I weighed as much as I did outta the three of us, rode the entire slide backwards.. But the point was.. I rode it! The slide and the park. I fucking won. That is all.

So the quitting smoking thing is still going strong, and I do not know if I mentioned before that It wasn’t just me that quit. My hubby did to. And unavoidably we…He has gained weight. Now, normally this wouldn’t phase him in the least. He is NOT one to harp on body size.. BELIEVE ME> However, this 30+ pounds hes put on due to the new metabolism has been hard on him. He is trying to make lite of it, but you know how it is, co workers tease, pants not fitting..  But hes “Big He-Man” that shit doesn’t bother him. What is bothering him is having issues tying shoes. He is getting outta breath. This upsets him. Other than that, I know he wouldn’t care if he put on 50! Its just the man he is. Its a new process for me. I don’t want to tease him, but I don’t want him to feel like I love him less because of his body change. I want him to know that its ok whatever he looks like and I’m trying to keep the topic light. But it bothers me some. Mainly because of his comments.. We went shopping the other night for some new jeans. Hes outgrown his old. And he makes a few comments about finding pants to fit his fat ass and such and so forth. Ok,so I’m the LAST person who can judge the self bashing. Ive done it since I could speak. Another product of childhood chubbiness. But I really fucking hate hearing him say that about himself. 1. That’s not who he is. He doesn’t self bash! 2. Hes not FAT in any way shape or form and if he says hes got a fat ass then where does that put my ass ? My daughter does a word of the week thing and her word is Ginormous. Is that where my ass fits now? In the Ginormous category? I don’t know how to handle this. I wish I did. I just tell him laughingly to shut up and move along and find really good comments about his ass. Witched looked fucking ha-wt in the new jeans btw.. FYI. I like the new improved bigger assed Hubby. Now there’s something to grip and pinch and sorry but it flat out does it for me. I just wish i could handle his weight gain better. Its a hard road to self acceptance and even harder looking from the outside In, witch I’ve never had to do my entire life until now. It will be a difficult road to walk. We will have to see.

Ok So, I have found a guilty pleasure and it is tweeting. Actually, I don’t tweet. I just watch my twitter. I follow my authors and magazines. And today. I ran across this article. And my mind was so boggled by it. Well, I guess boggled isn’t the right word. I had so many different ideas and thoughts ram throgh my brain while I was reading that I couldn’t even possibly make sense of most of them. I know a few Major thoughts prevailed tho. 1. Body acceptance. Ok, so I really need to work on this too, Not just my own body, but the bodies of the wee people. The ones that are size one. The ones that don’t have x in front of their size  cpet for maybe the x small. I only have issues with them if they have given me something to be shitty about. However, The women in this show, if they are acting and speaking like the article says, is appalling and completely fucking up the fat stereotype that we fatties on this fat-o-sphere are trying to push and get across. SIZE ACCEPTANCE>> EVERY SIZE>> EVEN SMALL PEOPLE!  Fat bitch listen. Its like our grannies always said, Treat them how you would like to be treated. Ok, so fucking what if they are tiny and have no problems finding clothes.. Good for them. Be the better fucking person and deal with the fatness you were given better than they do the thin they were.

Meanwhile, on More to Love, the contempt for small women comes fast and furious, turning what should be a show that helped smaller Americans feel compassionate toward their overweight counterparts into just another Us vs. Them reality slugfest. “I think curvy women are attractive,” says one contestant. “Who wants to look at a stick?”

WTF?! Why? why would you publicly bash the smaller size. YOU FATTIE who are on a show to promote how awesome fat people are and you fucking tools are just making us look pathetic and well Unhapply FAT!. Get a fucking life guys. I Mean srsly. Sigh, IMO it makes us look more like losers and less like ladies. I just find this terribly upsetting. I mean if you feel the need to bash someone.. make damn sure they deserve it. Don’t just bash them because  they are thin. That makes it ok they bash us because we are fat. I know there are better ways to say how I feel about this topic. But right now, thats what you are getting and when I calm down, I may or may not come back and rewrite it more eloquently than I just did. Right now, Its raw and real. So there you go.

So, Around this small town is hard to find a decent job.. Yes yes I’m quite aware I can work for min wage down at the chicken shack wearing that awful fucking yellow t-shirt. BUT Ive done my time in fast food and convenience  stores. Now, I just want a job that I love. The dog grooming is still awesome, just not much of an income. Ive been really really wanting to get crafty. Like, make doggie jewelry and daughter jewelery maybe even matching ! How cute! I was thinking about putting it up on ETSY!. I donno yet. Also, Id have to talk my hubby into letting me a have a bit of wee cash witch isn’t in the cards right now to get started onto something like that but I just have this freaking craft bug deep down and it MUST get released! Also, I want to write a book! Children books, young adult books, any kind of book! Sigh, I wish I was crafty.. something.. besides sitting at home with only thing to do is clean.  blaerg.

Anyway, my fingers now hurt a wee bit and also I need to do some other stuffs so Ill finish up and maybe come back later.  Chow.

HOLY TOLEDO BATMAN!!!… IVE GOT NO July 12, 2009

Sleeves!? Yep. NO FREAKING JOKE. I’m wearing a tank top. Gasp! I KNOW!.. Srsly.. My grandmother usually does a semi ok job getting me my birthday gift. Typically its clothes I will not wear, shoes not my color and 50 dollars. Every time its the same speech.. Now if you dont want to wear them just take them back. But amazingly enough? I unwrapped 4 tank tops.. Ok so I haven’t worn a tank top since I was 70 pounds less than what I am currently AND it was over a bathing suit then when I did. So, this makes me ponder her reasoning into buying me a tank top. Nae, Three of them. Hmmmmm. However, after inspection and logically thinking about the 100+ heat wave.. Fuck it. My arms can show. And the do! And I don’t CARE! OMFG! I really really don’t care. Its nice, its cool, its cute as a bugs ear, and best added bonus.. Hubby Likes. Perfect huh? AND where did said tank come from? BEST part. Wal-Mart. Yep! Sis, Hub, and I went to LB (Lane Bryant) to spend my 50 on bras and whatnot and found the same tank for about 20 dollars more. I was like hmmmm maybe I should go back to Wal-Mart and purchase more of said tank. So I did. Two more colors.. They look awesome alone or layered. Cute Cute Cute. And I’m COOL! I would link them bc they are so adorable, but wal-mart online doesn’t seem to have them to link. Spaghetti Strappi  Just My Size. O well. Maybe look around at your local Wal-Mart and see if they have. Im so impressed with wal-marts larger women’s collection. I remember going in there looking less than 2 years ago and only seeing moomoos and neon for women my size. I remember hating shopping for clothes. But lately, Wal-mart is figuring stuff out and ordering cuter lines of clothes for bigger girls/women. Wanna hear something else crazy? The LB I went to did NOT have my bra size. Yes, I’m quite large and NOT trying on a bra for me is a bad bad bad Idea. The fact that LB didn’t have my size upset me greatly. The woman suggested just getting an extender.. Like that made sense.. O Your in a fat women’s store but guess what we don’t carry your size of fat. Sorry. heh BUT I could go online and order if I wanted.. How bout that! Sure. Ok. Again, wal-mart saved me the trouble, Sis and I went and searched and found me some bras my size. Not technically what im accustomed to BUT at least they fit! AND without an extender!

That’s about all. I was going to write you up a report about the latest Evanovich book and my fav Fattastic character, but she wasn’t as tastic this time as I wished. I still may write a few words later though. We’ll just have to see I guess.

So another Month plus goes by. July 1, 2009

And what do I have to show for it? Let’s Lookie. Shall we?

• 1. I’m still Smoke free- This of course if fucking awesome. I don’t smell bad anymore. I don’t taste bad anymore. I can laugh all the time. Little things I never realized was going on. Who would’ve ever sat back and thoughts.. Ya. So I can’t laugh right because I smoke? I promise, if you smoke. You have no idea what your missing.
• 2. Still Venturing out in public- That’s right! I’m still at it. Maybe not every single day but I do make it a point to try to go out into the world of the living some. Point in Fact? I went to the lake this weekend with my husband and daughter. Srsly. I wore a bathing suit. I swam in front of people. I didn’t die.
• 3. Watching what I’ve eaten has won me some points- Ok so yea I know the whole diet word is taboo around Fat-o-sphere, HOWEVER I’d like to point out I’m not on a diet diet. I just watching what I’m eating. Like eating more veggies, drinking less pop. Yes that pop thing was huge factor. So in fact i have lost a wee bit of weight.
• 4. I still don’t have a full time job- I mean besides my daughter and my part time dog grooming. I really would like a good job. Not the convenience store or fast food cook. Ive been there done that and would rather move along.
• 5.I have watched: 1-5 Seasons of House, M.D. – Yes something my husband and i discovered we enjoyed watching together. So, therefore it was something done to spend more time with each other that we found we enjoyed in common. Trust me. Finding stuff my husband and I have in common? That’s REALLY fucking huge.

That’s an overview of what I accomplished while I’ve not posted. I mean I’ve done SEVERAL other things. Not just limited to those, but those are in fact for me really big deals and therefore they get recognized as such.

I cannot believe how well I’m doing with the smoking thing. My family keeps telling me they are proud of me. But in reality? What does that mean? I love that they are, but the person I needed to be proud of me was myself, and until I actually quit smoking? There really wasn’t anything besides my daughter that I could honestly say I was proud I accomplished. It’s a big deal. And one neat aspect is, that people don’t realize what type of hurdle you are jumping while you are running that race. They just go on about their days. Some smoking around you and u tense up and walk away. That person isn’t even aware of the inner struggle going on at that very moment right by them. They just keep smoking. And you keep walking. Just trying to get outta scent range. LOL.  Hubba- a-Dub says he cant stand smokers now. It stinks it makes him sick he hates being around them. IF ONLY that’s how it worked for me. I donno if that’s the difference of cold turkey vs Chantix, but I LOOOOOOOOVE the smell of smoke. I want to suck it outta their mouths. I would LOVE to grab that cig and just inhale till i can’t possibly breath anymore. BUT I REFUSE to do so. My non smoking life would be so much easier if I felt the same he does. Just treat smokers like leprosy seems to work wonders for him. I however will have to just keep trucking on and hopefully condition myself that cigarettes smell bad. I’ll just hold his hand tighter and breathe in that fresh air. So far, only being around other smokers is the hardest. Past that, I have it made.

So the lake was fun. Yes, I said it, The lake was FUN! FUN! I’m not a big fan of lake. Hell I’m not a big fan of bodies of water. Not ALL fat related. I’ve had to battle the lake/water fear for a while. It’s just something stupid phobic that I cannot help. Add to that.. that im fat? Well solution.. don’t fucking go to the lake! I went last year.. Once with my family.. My entire family. mom dad, sis, grandparents hubby daughter.. and I sat by the table and never moved. I watched them all float around, splash, scream, and act like idiots having the time of their lives and I never moved. I decided then that if the opportunity presented itself again, and i knew about it ahead of time so I could mentally prepare, I would give it my best shot. And so I did. My husband and daughter went by themselves two weekends before, having an absolutely blast she begged me to go next time. As my daughter is the biggest factor on wither or not I venture out, I agreed to think about it. When the time came.. I borrowed sun block from my sis, and a suit, and headed to the sandy cove with my daughter and hubby. It was nothing like I remembered. Firstly, they actually expanded the beach so there is more room so you’re not so crowded. And what amazed me the most was the amount of fat women there. NOT overweight.. Fat! Big Large, Some bigger than me, Fat women. And they weren’t hiding behind towels, they weren’t sitting in the shade reading by themselves while their families were out in the water.. NO! They were swimming and sunbathing and chatting and socializing. Not a single one was trying for the “invisible” routine. I loved it. Also, I do have to say there was an abnormal amount of fat women there this weekend than I’ve seen in the past, so that was a grace as well. But still! I had a wonderful time floating around with my daughter, running up on the beach so  I could read in the sun. Watching everyone else have a grand ole time. And another whammy of realizations that I had was, The skinny women? In bikinis? yea that’s right.. NOT perfect. They all had cellulite and bumpy legs and funky looking tummies and no tits. No I’m Not being mean. I’m being serious. They were NORMAL women. I guess after all these years of not going to the lake I immortalized the model body and put that on every single woman that would be on that beach besides me. I honestly cannot believe how badly I typed the lake into my mind. I cannot believe I refused to see the wonder of it all. And then tack onto that .. the sexy bodies of guys? including my hubbies? All the more reason to go to the lake this summer. Hell Fucking Yea.

So my hubby had a ingrown toenail that ew ew ew got infected bad enough that he asked to go to doc. This, by hubby standards. is BAD! So off we went. While he was waiting for doc to come I spent about 10 mins debating on whether or not I actually wanted to step onto the scale to see how I was doing.. Yes, This is Normal for me. .To refuse to face the reality. I know I’m fat do I REALLY need to know HOW fat? So, I thought and thought and hubby said just do it and finally I did. I was pleasantly Surprised.. I’d lost 16 pounds. Since I went and got chantix. Now this is kinda cool. I knew that I had drastically reduced my pop in take, and that I had started to eat more veggies and such but I guess it just didnt feel like I did all that amount of work. So it was an added benefit and a feel good moment.

The job thing is hard for me to decide what to do. I listen to my hubby constantly say he hates not having money. No we are NOT that type of people that actually have money but bitch bc we don’t have enough to go buy that second new car and whatnot. We really do NOT have money. He gets paid. Next day its gone to bills. My little income from dog grooming is just that.. LITTLE. There is not enough people around this town to actually support two dog groomers so until the other dies, retires or moves. Then I just have to be patient. I’m working on that. I listen to him and I get that scared icky feeling in my tummy. It puts me back into that old frame of mind that nothing matters cept money, and omfg, what are we worth if we don’t have money and omfg, love means nothing if we don’t have money. Yes, This was a HUGE MOTHER FUCKING ISSUE with me back in theday. I felt like since he couldn’t be happy bc we had no money, then he couldn’t be happy. And yes, I did try. He just couldn’t be. I know he’s different now, but really? How much different? Is there a possibility that he’s realized money isn’t what actually matters? His dad is the same way. Unhappy in his marriage, refuses to leave bc that’s not what God wanted, BUT it’s all ok bc he’s providing for that family he doesn’t want. I don’t want that. I don’t want my husband to follow the same route. I want him to WANT to be with me. Not feel like he HAS to be bc he has to support me, and then feel like he’s failed bc we are stuck with no money. I donno. I just need to work on that he’s ok with it, I’m ok with it, and hope that it doesn’t lead down that road again.

When Hubby and I talked about getting back together one of the biggest things with us is that we have nothing in common besides our daughter. He likes cars, motorcycles, computers and such. Always have. I liked piano, food, books. NOW, I like cars, and motorcycles, and computers. BUT  Id rather have my OWN hobbies and wants. This was a hurdle I jumped over while we were split. My own likes and dislikes. I had adjusted to him to suit him bc I didn’t think I’d get anyone else. Now though.. I like my own things. So therefore. Cars and bikes and such are NOT really a huge common denominator like they used to be. So stumbling across a TV show that we both liked, well hot damn, lets watch it. So we did. It has been so much fun laughing and joking and ooing and ahhing I’ve had with him in a long time. I cannot wait to find another series we both can watch, So we can chat and laugh together.

Anyway that’s prolly enough for right now. I might come back and chat some more I don’t know. I know I wanted to link the blog of the latest Rotund blog bc I find that point spot fucking on. So ill come back and do that before today’s over.

Anyway, Im off to feed food to me and mine.

I make this shit look easy… May 1, 2009

So far so GREAT ladies and gents. I am week three of smoke free. Yes, Im lame and made that rhyme. So there! Chantix is my new lover. It will forever be in my heart as the ONE thing that helped me overcome this terribad abusive corrosive relationship. Yes, yes, I know my family sent prayers my way and my husband was more patient than he normally is, HOWEVER! None of those were the reasons I didnt crave, or nic fit.

The first two days after starting chantix I smoked 6 ciggs each of those 2 days. The third day, I didnt realize I didnt have a cigg till mid afternoon and didnt feel the need to. I just made myself buzy and everything was gravy.

The cons so far? Um… Srsly erotic dreams about people i never met, yet somehow know exactly how they look or know what they look like but other wise wouldve never expected them to be involved in such a taboo act.  O.O  Um.. I also still look for my ciggs, not that I need them totally outta habit. I sit at comp desk and move my mountain of paper, gum, a random weed from the yard (grin at my daughter),  in a vain effort to find that long lost pack of ciggs I know I had just lain on there. Takes me still even now a few seconds to go. *facepalm* I dont smoke anymore. Were leaving to go to grocery store or what not and I start searching. UM.. Another con (well not to me specifically but some people may find it one) is the pills 2 times a day. I mean, who wants to take more pills.. bleh.  The chantix can take away the cravings and make me less of a heinous bitch but it doesnt make you forget you smoked completely witch is total sadness BUT im not gonna bitch that much. lol  I mean come on!  Think of the money I have saved this week alone! (hears gieco commercial) Able to get my daughters hair and nails done and she all purty along with my hair and nails and im less frumpy!

Making new friends is awesome possum (SEE DUSTIN I SPELLED IT RIGHT).  Even if you dont actually meet them face to face just the fact that you are now conversing with someone clear across the country or in my case state, and finding out their views on fatness is to me a wonderful time. My skepticism comes out along with my assumption that they are lying, and then the shock and happiness I feel when they are what they seem. Nice peoples.  We shall see if this conclusion is correct or not though.

Um when I went to the Doc to get my chantix of course ya gotta get weighed. I hate that. Typically I face the opposite way and back onto it bc I refuse to look at the number that identifies me to everyone around me everywhere I go. Even tho its pretty much proved that the general population of fat haters assume that a 150 pound person weighs 300 i mean can u imagine what they think a person 300 actually weighs? Ok so tangent.. Anyway, doc of course was concerned again about my weight gain and after this stop smoking campaign Im on, Im to come back for some tests, blood tests, pee tests, physical, and other such icky things. SOOO thats fun.

Tomorrow my daughter has whats called “Little Olympics”. Now, To the kids her age, its a wonderful day spent out in the sun ( in our case clouds) running  races and jumping in dirt and who know what other things. To me? Its a haunting nightmare waiting to happen. I laterally planned ahead and figured my daughter would just rather stay home. I guess kindergarten is the starting age for the name calling or picking up on shit like that since that evil little imp from before is in kindergarten so they are already um.. recognizing fat. I know for me, little Olympics was a feeding ground for the hateful. Was a time for the bullies and snottys to watch and store away info that can only be used for war on fatties in the elementary, middle school ages. Kid are taught at a very young age that beign fat is bad. And this will only get worse. Sad thing is its not only fat is bad, its short is bad, its glasses are bad, its such and such. I particularly hate school and Im trying extremely hard NOT to rub that off on my daughter or allow her to see it when she says she wants to go so bad. I will have a hella hard time telling her she cant stay home when she asks to bc a certain child is mean to her. I will  want to just hold her and keep her safe.  When I was in school the L.O. was all day process, now its just half a day. Not sure why but who cares. Its enough. So tomorrow I will take my daughter to school along with a year supply of bubble gum and water, and park my fat ass on some hot metal bleachers to watch my daughter run her little hiney off in a  race that will hopefully have no effect except to make her happy. I will be in public with my mom as my social buffer. I should be fine. Ill  prolly be more concerned about my MIL trying to mess with my daughter so that will also help. Ill let yall know if I survive.

lets see. OH QUOTE TIME!  I read the NudeMuse Daily Nattering every time she supplies us with her wonderfully artistic and sarcastic writing style. Most of the time  her bitchouts or advice has me rolling and the other day was no exception. She was responding to a commenter that is one of those “Eat less, Excersice more ” people and was explaining to him how one  persons diet doesnt work the same for another person, and heres how she said it.

Do not presume that what helps your body be healthy is going to be a panacea for whomever you’re speaking to.

Yes, there are basic things that most bodies dig but, individual biology can be a varied and strange thing.

For instance, you are hyping a thrice daily dose of Unicorn Pee. You feel awesome, you’re losing weight, you’re hair is magnificent and your cellulite is all gone. Let’s say I am not interested in those things, that’s ok. It’s also okay if I don’t want Unicorn Pee because it gives me the glittering shits.

I cannot help it, I love this woman  and her attitude is probably the MOST inspiring to me next to my sisters.

Theres always that obesity epidemic that is out there, but what if all those women and men that are obese turned bitchy or tripe? What if we all turned into “Well fuck you and the horse you rode in on” type of people. What if we all stood up for ourselves instead of hiding under bigger clothes and closeting ourselves away in our homes. What if we became more visible, like those “freaks” with the piercings, who are now socially acceptable? What kinda world would that be.. hm. Somethign to think about.

Anyway storm fixing to hit so I will sign off. I know its a ramble this time and I might clean it up a bit later. C Ya.

And then there was no…Smoking? April 15, 2009

Yes yes. Tomorrow or rather later today I will take that revolutionary trip to my family physician and start the beginning to the end of a 16 year relationship. With Cigarettes. Sigh.. They were there through the best of times and worst of times, and yes, no matter what anyone else says, you do NOT smoke that long if you do not enjoy the taste, smell, and feel of cigarettes. Ive relied on them to keep me sane, Ive hated them when I wake up and my chest hurts. Ive missed them (nic fitt) when they wernt around. Suffice to say, This will suck. I know its all for the best. I know, I will feel better, despite still being fat, At least my lungs will be able to lug around this 300+ body. The addiction isnt what scares me, Its the stuff that comes along with quitting something of that nature. Like ending any relationship, there will be denial, mourning, coping, and such and so forth. My finger nails will  be worse for wear ( I chew them regularly already) . My weight will fluctuate (o joy freaking joy), My sense of smell will increase. Who knows, maybe Ill even get better quicker when I get sick. We shall see. I just know that one thing for sure. Im doing this for ME! Not for my grandparents who drop those lovely hints about not wanting to bury me early. Not for my husband who reminds me how expensive it is. Not for my father who passed bc of lung cancer. Im doing this for ME. I personally want to be able to run, walk, jump, twirl, do what ever I need to to have fun with my daughter. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and breath a deep breath. I want to NOT fucking stink of ashes or smoke. I want my DAUGHTER to not stink of ashes and smoke. I want to start breathing fresh air. Those are what I want. Im not saying I will be able to quit. Im not guaranteeing anything but ONE thing. And that is .. Im going to give it my best fucking shot.

Alrighty, lets see. Ive done several public appearances since Ive written last. Ive found that its sooo much easier when these functions are for or with my daughter.. Why? Im not entirely sure. Maybe Ill figure the reason out soon but for now, Its just bc of her. She had a school carnival. Ick. Kids all over.. People I know. People I knew. PEOPLE EVERYWHERE! Bleh. It didnt go so bad though, yes I was extremely self conscience. How could I not be since its the first time ive seen old classmates in like.. ages. BUT I did make it though. I sat next to my little drunk duck pond (they wouldn’t stay floating upright) and watched little kids run around handing me sticky tickets so they could pick a upside down duck with a number they wanted to get a meger prize.. Pencil, Sticker or Gasp** um actually I dont know what the hell it was. Anyway, So I sat my thirty minutes chatting with my social buffer, my sis, Who coincidentally, was a prek teacher and had set her booth right up next to my teachers SOOOO She was within earshot or desperate looking range the whole time.  After my time was up I followed my little energizer bunny around while she burning off her never ending supply of steam. I watched the kids and yada yada. My sis’s booth needed some watching so I did my part. Her booth was  a Plinko knock-off, I handed out gum, stickers and fun pads. After a full um 2 and a half hours, we were on our way home. Daughters hands full of 10 cent crap and a Cake she won at the cake walk. (tasted freaking horrible btw) and I breathed a sigh of relief. Sis of course is awesome for these types of excursions. Besides the fact she is the classic kick ass aunt, she is also the absolutely most fantastically wonderfully sis. She is also Fattastic though less of the fat and more of the tastic than I am. Course, I dont have to chase around 5 year olds all day either. Still, she gets me and my moods and knows when to speak or not and is totally in tune with me.  Works for me.

Hm. Another field trip outta my hole was to my daughters twirling competition. Where I was not self conscience because I was so focused on Annies moods and feelings. Its soo much easier with her. It really doesnt matter if im fat. Im still mommy and I still get that special Mommy treatment. She did extremely well and came home with her arm full of ribbons, a medal and a plague. I honestly felt like I should get a plague. A OMFG I was in public view all day and didnt die Plague. Ho Hum O well.

So I read though the fat-o-sphere daily. And I was reading.. this post over on Shapely Prose. There was a something she said that just hit me and I loved how she said it.  It was

“What makes people stop laughing — or at least, what makes you stop caring if they do? The discovery that something about you is utterly remarkable.”

Ive read this line over and over and thought hard about this. What DOES make me remarkable? Because, I think if I discover this, It may help me on this quest of loving myself even more. This will require a lot of soul searching, because quite honestly, I dont think there is a damn thing remarkable about me. Nothing distinguishes me from other women. I will NOT include my daughter in this because there prolly isnt a mother on this planet that doesn’t feel like they are them best things about themselves. I WILL find out what makes me remarkable. Even if I have to think about it every day for the next 30 years. We shall see.

Anyhow. Last week I had a funeral to attend. Its the first time ive put very special care into my appearance, NOT for others but to show the respect for the deceased. However, my sis commented “Damn, You look hott.” My hubby and the rest of my family agreed, I did look very pretty/hott today. After the funeral I was left alone to think and even though the death was in the back of my mind, in the front of my mind was why dont I care more about my appearance more often. Dont get me wrong Im not a total slob/sloth. But Make-up, dressing-up has never been my thing. I prefer big t shirts and big jeans and crocks. I brush my hair and Im good to go. The sad thing is, I do REALLY care about how I look. I would love to have people LIKE to look at me. But then I would get upset bc why should I have to “dress” up to get noticed. Why cant I jsut have pretty eyes all the time. Why do I need to iron my hair for it to look great. Its shiny. Its healthy. Its pretty! Sure its not “dressed” up but its the same fucking hair. Right?! The worst part ever is the thought that snuck through while thinking all these that hit me like a truck was ” God, Id be sooo fucking pretty if I was thin.” BLAM! Just like that. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. Everyone tells me I look great! and I cant help but think, Man I would actually look great thin. I KNOW im NEVER going to be fucking thin and it pisses me off. It hurts and digs and tears at the layers of my soul. I know this. Its almost like realizing that YES someone is gone, they passed, there is NOTHING I can actually do to change it. It can take your breath away. Fortuntaly I do NOT have these moments very often. I Dont hate the reality of my world. Most of the time my realitly suits me dandy. But yes, on occasion, those type of evil thoughts do persist. Those are the days that I have trouble wanting to wake up. Those are the days I wish I could shut the world out. But of course. You cant shut out life. It just keeps on fucking going.. la da dee.

Anyway, I dont mean to end it on that gloomy thought, but it is almost 3 am and I have an early start to say good bye to my long term relationship. SO I will bid you a farwell and will keep you updated.

Loves!Kisses!

Score one for the fat woman… March 30, 2009

Basically its comes down to yesterday I had a good fat day. Daughter had a birthday party to attend at a bowling alley. All her class had been invited. All week hubby and my sis were discussing who would take her bc I was essentially out of the option. This fattie doesn’t go to public places anymore. Not really. Occasionally, like my daughters twirling activities or her tumbling, but birthday parties? Surrounded by kids I don’t own and parents I don’t like bc I went to high school with alot of them, nope. A comfy couch and a good book is far better than that. So after it was said and done they both decided they would go. My sis makes the absolute best Nanny. Shes a pre-k teacher so WOOT. The day rolled around and I was fixing my daughters hair and she goes.. “Your going right mommy? it will be fun”. OK, So im not perfect. I look at her blue eyes and crumble and thought sure why not. My sis will be there so my social buffer is intact and my husband can horseplay with the best of them. Off we went in the cold wet weather. Arriving a tad late we found out soon enough no other mothers had decided to brave the weather.. Score one for me! Sitting there watching the few family kids and my daughter eat the cake and pizza I chatted happily with my sister who incidentally taught one of the kids at school. My husband was wonderful in making sure I wasn’t left alone and still managed to be social to the other men. Then it was time to bowl. SURE daddy will bowl as well, the Mom of the birthday boy begged family to be helping with the adult side and my daughter comes running up mommy, “you will bowl to right?” Oh. Well. Um. Looking at my sis she nodded her head and I asked her to go with me to get some shoes. I hadn’t noticed when she didn’t follow and I was still unaware until my name was up on the board that my sis had not succumbed to my daughters look and stayed behind. Oook. I can do this. Not ALLL the lanes are full up, thers not a Ton of people. No one else I really knew, and my daughter was happy. So. Guess what.. I didn’t die. I didn’t melt into a puddle, no one made fun of me, Hell I didn’t even really notice my surroundings until mid game. I did pretty damn good if I say so myself. I bowled happily away doing absolutely horrible btw. I was self conscience very little and really didn’t even hit home that I did something in front of people till we were a good way from the party. Amazing that. Its sad to think that now that Im at the most Ive weighed in my entire life that I actually went out and did something. So much used to keep me in the house when I weighed 50 pounds less and now I sit and wonder why. Why did I miss out on so much of my life. I still haven’t the foggiest. I dont know why my brain works that way. Its a terrible feeling really to think I didn’t do this or that bc I couldn’t bring myself to go into public. Hopefully, now that I have my daughter she will talk me into it more often, bc I really did have a great time with her and my husband.

Moving on. PICTURES! Are awesome. My husband had his lap top out tonight looking thro alllll sorts of old photos. I couldn’t believe really he had so many. My heart was aching and hubby and I were laughing at the funny faces our daughter had made. Annie was laughing at the cute pictures her dogs or any dogs for that matter were in. There was one that really caught my attention. It was a 5 generational photo my hubby had taken of my great grandmother, grandmother, mother, me, and Annie. I looked at myself back then, I believe it was about 2 years ago, and thought, MAN i looked good. Annie even said, wow mom you looked pretty. My husband replied, “Your mommy is always pretty in a skirt.” lol. I NEVER felt pretty. WHY DIDNT I FUCKING FEEL PRETTY!!!????? I was at least 50+ pounds less. I Honestly Thought I was to fat. Weighing over 300 now I just cannot fathom the fact I was soooo hard on myself. I looked great. Sure, I was fat. BUT OMFG! I was sooo pretty. Hubby always always tells me that I am the prettiest fat women he has ever seen. That makes me feel good definitely. But why does it take so much effort to feel good about oneself. Why is it that I had to put on over 50 pounds to see how great I was then. Is that what it comes to now? I need to weigh another 50 pounds to think I look good now? I don’t think so. I’m not sure what it will take, but Ill be damned If im going to regret how I look now when who knows what will happen later. I HAVE to find something I like about myself now. I have to find anything that I can be happy about and build on that. When that happens. Ill let you know. As of right now thats now a mission I have made for myself.

Alrighty, lets see. That’s prolly all I really have to say. I BOWLED! WOOTAH! FANTASTIC! and I made a new self goal. NOT to lose weight, but to Find something that I like about myself now.. the weight I am. So thats enough soul searching for me atm. And prolly plenty to think about for a week or so. lol.

Thanks for reading

I fell into the black hole and lived to tell about it! March 26, 2009

So, Ive been Gone for ages! AGES! Well, maybe not that long but when I read back to what I wrote.. OMG so much has happened. Some good some bad. For Starters, Lemme Say outright that I suck at the journal thing. I really thought I could keep up with it, but in all reality I just suck. Second. I apologize for those few that have actually checked my blog and seen…   Yea. Thridly. Um No excuses, or excuses that sound reasonable or believable. Lets just stick with.. I went away and now im back. And start fresh shall we?. Yes, Lets.

Ok so Still SMOKING! GAH!  However! I will counter that with a STILL MARRIED! WOOT. so see? Balance is the stuff of life. If something bad, horrible, or just plain ballsack sucky happens? Counter that with a WOOTAH! statement. It helps the time pass. Still fat! GAH!.. DAUGHTER IS FANTASTIC!  See? that works great! FANTASTIC! That has to be my favorite word ever to say. Just saying it outloud. In any tone of voice, brings some sort of emotion. It makes you think and it rolls off the tongue in such a beautiful fashion. Looove it.

My Fat acceptance Journey has been eh, im not even sure how to describe. Its pretty much a journey down a rocky, brittle, red-dirt, potholed, washed-out road. Barefoot. Naked. In Schorching desert like heat!  More uphill than down of course. In essence, its bleh. Bleh is also another word that works well to describe. You say it..  Bleh.   Now.. thats how i feel about my acceptance. Some days, i get outta the shower and dont cover the mirror. Other days.. I black it out. Some days, I wear my “Skinny” jeans. You know those jeans, you put on once and while, tighter than your more than comfortable with, not easy on the respiratory process, but feel great about yourself.  Most days, however, I wear my Fat Jeans… Ahhhhhhh thats the ticket.. The Jeans just a size bigger than your skinny and let you actually sit down without losing skin. Fat jeans let you get up without pulling a wedgie outta your butt. Fat Jeans let you walk around without chafing the inside of your thighs. Sadly, Fat jeans, well Make you look like you are.. Fat.  They are bigger and bulkier and prolly loose on your butt, and drift down sometimes and sigh.. really. BUT they are your secret fantasy.. I love my fat jeans, I just dont love how I look to other people in them. Bc well I look fat.  It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that fat jeans dont make you look fat.. you just ARE fat. No matter what jeans you put on. Skinny jeans sure the hell dont make you look skinny neither.. Just less fat. See? Hard. Bleh.

Ok so I was at my daughters tumbling class the other day.. full of lovely 5-8 year olds that have dirty noses and dont pay one lick of attention to the coach. When all of a sudden my daughter comes running up to me. Hugs me and runs back. I felt great! I was like, OMG my daughter.. sigh.. I love her.. I love being a mom… then BLAM! Some other little runt came up to my daughter and goes Loud enough for Jesus (if he wasnt omnipresent) to hear. Hey Your mom is Fat!  um? huh? wow? Silence.. girls turned around and stared at the cretin, but miss Pointsouttheobvious Didnt care.. she goes, “Well, she is”.  I had about a billion and one things run through my mind at one TIME! DO YOU KNOW! how hard it is to NOT knock someone elses kid senseless? Do you!?  So, my fat self is sitting in stunned silence, and my brain is throwing thoughts around like a wrestling match.. All those lovely thoughts of how you see the little tyke up on stage later on in life falling on her face as she walks to get her homecoming crown, or other such random how to degrade a 5 year old thoughts. Needless to say, I could not and DID NOT follow up on any of them. Sadly. *sniff*  I did however, look at my daughter, and in that half second of that little girl staring at her to get a reaction she goes. “So?” and walks to stand in line. I just sat back for a while, then I got up and went outside to smoke and sort my thoughts. Sort and smoke. No fuming.. i was past fuming. Just sorting and smoking. Ok so Some little snot nosed kid said im fat. I know Im fat. I can accept fat. I have to accept it. And whos she to yell it out! what right does she have. Well, Shes 5. Ok so FINE. five year olds get to state the obvious bc they are five (shitty rule inho).  My daughter doesnt care. My daughter DOESNT care. SHE IS OK WITH HER MOM BEING FAT! So why cant I be ok? I dont know. But my daughter is ok with it. Ya know, I can handle being made fun of myself thats ok, but for some reason.. my daughter getting teased about MY weight.. that hits hard. Its reasons like that I wish I wasnt. Its reasons like that little devilchild stating the obvious. I dont wanna be obviously fat.

ONTO Good stuff. So I stated earlier. Im still married. Well Hubby and I are currently working things out. .. Slowly. BUT its getting worked out. I can tell its working bc the other day he said something completely stupid silly to my daughter and I laughed my ass off. How does that tell me, you may ask. Well, before stupid comments like that.. i just Rolled my eyes and was like.. gawd hes sooo retared.. and i confess.. id think mean thoughts.   Now? I really do laugh, i find those comments enduring, and charming and sooooo mcuh like it was when we got together! Its working.  Another tip that its working.. I watch his ass. I love it! I love watching him get dressed in the morning! I smile when he comes home from lunch. I do all those silly ittly bittly things I used to do before! They were never a big deal then. The were just part of marriage/relationship. NOW tho those teency tweeny things, are like BLAM! OMG! IM LOOKING AT HIS BEHIND!.. So Marriage.. Is under-construction. BUT functional.

Smoking.. Bleh

Fantastic= Hubby quit. SOOOO I can now quit with our marriage safely intact. I will be getting that Chantix. Ive tired once before but could not afford the second week of it soooo yea. But Im looking forward to all those erotic dreams of people ive never even met IRL again. Well see. Ill do my best to keep updated.

Anyways.. Let see. I want to get crafty. I read all these blogs, and I find myself always sad and gloomy when I read how this woman made a bird feeder outta toothpicks or that woman made a tea cosy crochet (or however u spell it)  I WANNA BE CRAFTY TOO! Grrr. I used to be very crafty.. Now, Im just broke lol. So maybe i can be crafty with all the money I will be saving with not smoking! hmmm.

My daughter is in tumbling, twirling and dance..  tumbling.. not so bad. She stays fit and bendy .. witch bendy is healthy. I think. Twirling.. She looks sooooo cool flinging a stick around.. BUT Holy cats its expensive! WOW. And it would be SOOOOO much cheaper if I could craft her outfits.. You know.. get a bathing suit and paste sparkly and shiney things all over.? Sigh. Maybe if I can get crafty, it will help me want to DO more stuff and get more active. Running around all day doing chores, housework, running annie to classes and basically moving 5 miles a days.. somehow.. doesnt affect my weight *sniff*  The only way i can lose weight i believe is to get another 10 hour a day job and eat only peanut butter and jelly and ramen noodles..  thats how I lost it the first time.. Yes Sadly.. I had to NOT eat to lose weight.. BUT I will NOT be unhealthy anymore either. Being skinny isnt THAT awesome. Not for that price.

Golly gee it says I’ve wrote 1400 words by now.. crikeys!  Hm. It always says it was saved at 6 am.. and its only 1 am here. I guess I need to go fix that somewhere if i can remember how to find stuff like that.

I think I might be done ranting, relating, or just plain writing for tonight.. Well bc i was gone so long I wanted to write a enduring and heartfelt post. I think it just came out as blabbling and unsophisticated. WOOTAH! Thats Fantastic!